Avoiding The Emoinity.

I noticed that I do write ever so bitterly. I'm like Kor. We both tend to pour out our feelings more whenever we're in distress. :p

Gawad night is tomorrow already! Brother Ceci's coming and he's going to see me dance! Silly brother "forewarned" me about his oh so handy video camera.

I'm still tense with the candle dance. We got to rehearse with actual candles earlier, but I don't think that's my problem anymore. I'm pretty much battling stage fright. As for the prayer dance, I feel that I'm doing good. I've been getting good feedback, too. My heart's all fat right now because Jordi has been praising me after watching us rehearse earlier.

I am really really happy that I'm improving in my dancing. :)

Besides Gawad night, tomorrow is also Chelsea's debut. I hope I can go. Our driver didn't come to work today because he's sick. I hope he'll be able to drive for us tomorrow already. Chelsea's leaving for Canada soon :(

It's getting late. I should stop this habit of blogging right before I go to bed.

Hugger-Mugger.

Finally! Our phones here at home are back to normal and I can use dsl once again! Oh, joy!

My body hurts really bad. Sir Peter just choreographed our second dance for Friday. It's a candle dance, and I'm getting pretty tense. I'm gonna burn the stage. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

(THERE'S A BLOODY COCKROACH BY MY FEET! AAAHH!! *pulls feet up*)

I think I am seriously going through a phase of denial.

On one side, I know that he was immature and close-minded and that he gave up too easily. But somehow, I'm still affected by him in little ways. I don't know. It's weird. I say that I don't want anything to do with him anymore, but... I think I'm denying that I miss him.

On the other hand, I enjoy his company. I always feel so comfortable and free. Not to mention, uber pampered. But I still tell myself that the love just isn't there right now. Or maybe I'm just denying that I'm falling in love with him again.

(Curses! Cockroach won't go away)
(Take note of the colors I used and don't be confused!)

There goes another one of my episodes. I shall go to bed now.
Goodnight, world.
(Mom just killed the cockroach. I'm happy now.)

Major Oops.

Oh crap! I forgot to pay speedbytes for letting me use one of their computers. Gotta go. Haha :p

Not Just Me After All.

I'm in cybernook right now. I can't use our dsl at home because our phones are effed up. Our pldt line merged with the globe one. How weird and, not to mention, sad is that?

Since I have a lot of time in my hands right now (it's only 8:48 and my class is at 9:40), little bugger me pried around multiply and eventually ended up looking at a bunch of pictures with him in it. And I must say, I've never seen him so happy and sabog in my life. Guess I wasn't the only one who couldn't be myself around the other. Why, oh, why?

Too bad... So sad, says the vampire.

The Never-Ending Battle.

You'll just sit tight, and watch it unwind
It's only what you're asking for
And you'll be just fine with all of your time
It's only what you're waiting for...

I know that I don't feel the same way. Or at least that's what I claim to be true. But why is it that I'm able to open up more? It feels as if everything's in place already. But no. I still insist that the love isn't there. I don't know what's holding me back. Is there really something holding me back in the first place? Or am I just going through a phase of self-denial?

I think my heart deserves a break. (an actual heart break or just go on vacation? you be the judge of that.)

Crap. It never ends. I still don't know what I want and it's getting really annoying already. Here I am, still wanting and trying to win this battle against myself. But gah. What good would that do? My self-esteem... Is deteriorating. I wish I could be stronger than this.

Gone.

I'm really disappointed in him. I wanted to be myself around him, and when I was finally able to do so, he hated it. Hated it to the point that he didn't want to talk to me about it and just simply give up. And now everything that we had has just been sucked in by a black hole. I'm sorry, I'm just frustrated. I don't know why I'm still venting about this. Am I that bitter or just plain upset?

And Up I Go.

I have seriously improved on my dancing. And it's... Surprising, really. I got so used to being yelled at and getting humiliated in front of everyone. I think my fear helped me without me knowing it. I never really expected anything and always thought that I'd be scared forever or something. But now look at me! I'm being carried already!

Besides the dancing, I have warmed up to my fellow jazzers, and of course, Sir Peter.
I have finally found a family in LSDC jazz, and I love it.

Slamm.

You'd think that since you've been through so much shit in the past that you'd learn this time around. Ah. Well, think again, my friend.

We both tried to fix it. And at the same time, we found no sense in doing just that any longer. You gave up. So did I. It's possible that we're both cowards... That we're afraid of hurting each other all over again. Or maybe the both of us just can't swallow our pride.

And so I wrap this up with a few lines by Michelle Branch:

Goodbye to everything that I knew.

You were the one I loved

The one thing that I tried to hold on to...

It hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time.

Regret.

And I'm back.